It's not an "after" pic if it's not over.

Hey friends;

I thought I should make a visual post of my progress, for your viewing pleasure:



Yes, that was me just a few short months ago.  Yikes.

That's about it for today, not much to describe here.

-P

Everyone's an expert.

I made the mistake of commenting in a social forum (Reddit) on a post about a guy eating a Twinkie-only diet to prove that calorie deficit is the key to weight loss.

First off, let me get something off my chest about this (as I was blasted for saying this in the forum), malnutrition causes weight loss.  There.  Eating nothing but sugar and starch for a month doesn't prove calorie deficit any more than it proves that existing on pure garbage will provide nothing for your body to work with.  The fact is that this guy's body was probably burning up muscle and water in place of proper nutrients.
Bottom line, fuck that guy.

Which brings me to my gripe.

"What?  He's griping?  I've never heard him gripe!" you're probably exclaiming.

It's true.  I have a gripe.

Every time I talk about lifestyle changes and weight loss in the public realm, some militant motherfucker jumps in to tell me that I'm miscalculating my calories and am, in fact eating less.  This person tells me that thermodynamics dictates that you cannot lose weight without eating fewer calories.  This person tells me that a soy-latte-enema is the only way to lose any weight.
The point is that this person is a giant asshole and has nothing better to do with his/her day than nay say everything a person does to lose weight because it's not their way to lose weight.  I find the world of health and diet to be chock full of zealous people just waiting to tell everyone else that they're wrong.  Two posts ago I mentioned a few types within this group.  The internet expert is the other one.  Fuck that guy.

Anyway, I don't feel like going much further into this as I probably have some damage control to do over at Reddit.  Hope you guys are having a fantastic day and are not jumping up people's asses about their diet!

Cheers!

"The only two certainties in life are barf and Texas."

I just returned from a trip to TX to visit the in-laws.
Here's how it went down:

Day one: Got there late-afternoon, hang out, bought beer and whiskey.  Brother-in-law and I proceeded to annihilate 20 beers and a fifth of Jack.

Day two: Dead to rights until about 4pm.  Built a grill and had a BBQ.  Contracted stomach flu, vomited profusely every 20 minutes starting at midnight.

Day three: Woke up at 1pm, stomach still a mess but not vomiting.  Spent rest of day on couch. Dinner consisted of soup.  Slept.

Day four: Finally feeling good enough to move (but not great), went to Abilene to enjoy a lunch consisting of Chinese buffet.  Bad idea.  Next hour in bathroom.  Felt a little better.  Went to BBQ at brother-in-law's mother-in-law's house.  Good food, but still a bit unsettled due to contracting stomach flu after eating BBQ two days earlier.  Drank a beer.  Difficulty getting to sleep.

Day five: Drove home, tired but finally feeling good for the first time.

Now I'm at work and I feel like a million bucks.  My body never wants me to enjoy vacations I guess.
Oh, and the real kicker is I didn't lose any weight.  You'd think I could have puked a pound away in all that.

Fuck you, body.

Skinny and fat advice.

Skinny people never have good weight-loss advice.  They typically, at worst, have had no more than a few to a  dozen pounds to lose at any point in their lives.  When you're in that weight zone, you have no perspective on what it's like to try and haul an extra 50+ pounds around while you beat yourself up to lose weight.  No offense, but fuck your advice.
This goes doubly for the mesomorphs of this world.  You were genetically engineered to be in shape, and your working out only enhances what you already have.  Taking advice from these guys (and most personal trainers are these guys), is like driving around in a minivan and being told by a guy behind the wheel of a Porsche to just "give it more gas".  No thanks, we can't change the car our parents bought us.  We can only modify it.

"Yes, the racing stripe does make it faster"

I know some of you may be thinking that I'm being judgmental and jumping to conclusions with these groups of people, but that puts you in a category I like to call "Overthinkers".

Which brings me to the next group I can't stand the advice of.

My negative, know-it-all fat friends.
Disclaimer: I am not saying all fat people are know-it-alls or negative.  I'm saying I have a few fat friends who carry those traits with a vengeance.  And the reason I even bother with the word "fat" here is that none of my non-fat friends are like this.
The worst one, by far, is the friend who constantly scrutinizes my progress.  When I dropped the first ten pounds (way before this blog), I posted how excited I was to have lost ten pounds in a week based on the books I read, and she was the first to comment.  It was something to the effect of "Eh, it's just water weight.  You can't lose weight without cutting calories and exercise."
Well, negative Nancy, I've lost at least 35 pounds now, most of it in the first month, and if anything I've actually gotten lazier.  (Another disclaimer: I'm not being lazy on purpose, I've just gotten too into lazy activities recently.  Exercise is good for the heart and body *the more you know*)
I don't count my calories, but I know for a fact that I am well over 2000 per day, likely in the 3000 range.
So, to that I say: "Nanny nanny boo boo, fuck off."
I know, I know.  I'm being a dick.  But that's the thing.  I find it incredibly dickheaded to bother saying negative things when someone is obviously trying to accomplish something.  Say all the negative crap you want when I harp on and on about social issues or politics, but for the love of Odin, this is one of those "if you don't have anything nice to say..." situations.  Feel free to debate me on the details of my lifestyle and such, but if I'm just having a moment of triumph, for fuck's sake, leave the jealous crap at home.
Another friend of mine messaged me to tell me that he was upset that I'm promoting this kind of diet, and that he "heard that it can kill you".  First off, I've kept the details of my diet (which isn't really a diet, so much as it's not eating certain things as a rule) fairly shrouded.  Like I've mentioned before, I'd recommend you either seek proper advice on how to do it, or at least buy a book that can get you on the right track.  If anything, I'd only recommend cutting back on carbs, but I can't speak for the overall scope of one's diet because I'm what the experts like to call "not an expert".  My gripe here is that I'm being told that my diet is dangerous by someone who, if he doesn't do anything about it, will likely develop health problems because of his diet.  Maybe there are some risks in what I'm doing, but I also take care to be very aware of how I feel from day to day.  I'm very alert to any potential diet-related complications as I can be a bit of a hypochondriac sometimes.  It's not that I'm crazy, it's that I'm trying to live forever.

Anyway, I think that's going to wrap up my rant for today.  I suppose I should have made this the "Angry Fat Guy Experiment", but I didn't, cause fuck you.

I kid.  Have a wonderful day!

-P

For some extra perspective, check out the following exerpt: #2. We're Hard-Wired to Have a Double Standard (link opens in a new window)

Drum roll please...

I know this number isn't much lower than the last one, but as I mentioned, I plateaued a bit this week.  Now, the plus side is I'm down a LOT of inches overall.

I know, i should have given my scale a wipedown.

You get the point.

-P

Nothing tastes as good as being a smug, skinny asshole feels.

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"

Bullshit.  Skinny isn't a measurement of health, therefore skinny doesn't "feel" like anything.  Terminally ill people are skinny.  Starving people in Africa are skinny.  Stupid phrases like this are just ignorant and pointless.  They don't motivate, they demean.

You know what feels good?  Feeling good about yourself.  Did you know that there are a lot of miserable skinny assholes in this world?  It's true.  I also happen to know some very happy fat people.  Hell, I'm cynical, but I'm happy.

So, next time you feel tempted to say something to motivate a person to lose weight, maybe you should just stick to something realistic and not so fucking smug.

Cheers!
-P

Every ten pounds..

I'm fairly certain I'm going to get stuck every ten pounds or so.  I'm positive that I've lost many inches as I'm fitting into much smaller clothes this week, but I've began hovering again, this time right around the 250 mark.

Now, I know it's not good to obsessively weight yourself, but A) I like to, and B) It helps me see what my variations are.  If I notice a particular fluctuation from one day to another, I can pinpoint the foods/behaviors that may be the culprit, rather than do something for days/weeks at a time and not understand the effect on weight.

On a big plus side, my fancy new scale does read body fat and hydration, which makes it a LOT easier to see what I'm losing and how much of my weight is excess water.

30 Pounds of Fuck You

I'll post a progress picture on Sunday (my weigh-in day), but I just wanted to report in that since my highest weight this last summer, I've lost at least 30 lbs.  Though I started this blog in the high-270s, I can assure you that I was at least 281+ at the peak (yuck).  This is something I'm pretty excited about as it has really demonstrated an impressive level of effectiveness while still enjoying a fairly flexible and non-regimented lifestyle.  Like I've mentioned in the past, the only reason I'm not following any kind of workout regimen is because I want to test the effectiveness of diet without a change in exercise as the (rather well-founded) hypothesis is that weight loss has little to nothing to do with exercise.  In my case, that hypothesis has held water.
Of course, this isn't to say that there's NO merit in exercise.  In fact, I believe quite the contrary.  Being active is good for the body, heart and mind and I see no reason to bash it.  It just pains me to see heavy people beat the crap out of themselves, drive up their hunger level, and most times just give up in the end out of the drive to look thinner.  If you can get the diet in line, the exercise can be independent of it and compliment overall health. In this situation, losing the weight first will help motivate and the level of effort isn't too discouraging.
Of course, I always hear the "I couldn't live without carbs" rhetoric.  In which case I say "Fuck off, whiner".

-P

Where do fat belts go when they die? (They don't go to heaven where the angels fly)

I've owned this belt for about 10 years (maybe more).  It has been with me through every weight fluctuation of that time frame.  It has never failed me, until today.

I've finally gotten too small for this belt.  It has seen its last supporting role in my wardrobe.  This trusty belt went with me on every tour, through every job and TV show I worked, and held me up when my hands were full with life's responsibilities.  This belt is kind of like Jesus.

But, like Jesus, this belt has no purpose in my life, and I couldn't be more delighted.  I honestly never thought about what kind of significance "under-growing" it would have.  I just always wore it and occasionally found myself having to use a different notch (for better or worse).  The idea of being too small for it never really crossed my mind.

This weekend I went up to my family cabin in the mountains with my wife to celebrate her birthday.  I fully expected to come back 100 lbs heavier due to my lack of responsibility when I am deep in the woods with a fridge full of beer, but I did OK.  To my credit, though, I made "the best cake" my wife has ever had.  I had a piece.  It was pretty good but it tasted like dirty, dirty guilt.

Long story short, I strapped on my belt on Saturday morning and noticed it didn't really hug my hips at all.  Though I knew this day would come, I never really pictured when it would happen or how I would feel.  Part of me felt a little wistful knowing that my trusty, old, beat up belt would never hold my pants up again.  Most of me, on the other hand, felt pretty fucking satisfied.  While we were out, I bought a much smaller belt at the local mercantile.

And so begins a new era...

Gluttony and sloth. The winner's recipe.

Our weather as of late has taken a pretty big turn.  We've got snow on the hill and I'm already breaking out my old trusty jackets.  Winter also means that we're about to start eating and drinking like a bunch of assholes and do next to nothing activity-wise.  I'm not complaining about this, though.  Cutting carbs means you can pretty much eat like an asshole as long as you avoid the carby bullshit.

Of course, winter is carb season.

No matter.  My results have been so positive as of late that I'll be damned if I'll let some cookies and mashed potatoes fuck this up.  I guess I'm of the opinion that looking like a douchebag will always be better than eating like one.

So with that, I will take my leave.  I've got some fat to burn off.  By sitting.  And eating.

Fuck yeah

It's finally going according to plan...

251.1 pounds of excellence, thank you very much.

   I hit a plateau this week, but I broke it with a vengeance.  As of my last post, I got my weight down below the plateau but as it turns out I still fluctuated right back into the range it was stalling in.  I stuck to my guns and kept my resolve, and it paid off.  This weekend I have been eating like shit and drinking beer (light beer, mind you), so I'm probably stalled a little right now, but the numbers don't lie.

So, as I enter the new week with a good amount of motivation, a lot of things are occurring to me.  For one, I'm going to have to buy all new clothes.  Pants are already getting loose on me and my shirts are starting to fit like crap.  Unfortunately I don't really know what size shirt to buy anymore because I have really big, broad shoulders and a barrel chest, but the shrinking stomach is starting to leave my t-shirts looking like a ghost from Pac-Man or something.

Fuck you, reality!

Secondly, the psychology of weight loss is interesting.  I was walking around the house in a tank top the other day feeling lean and mean, when I caught a glimpse of my love handles in the mirror.  It's really annoying because I'm just trying to enjoy my success and reality is trying to tell me "Less fat is not thin".  Shut your whore mouth, reality.  I look great in a tank top.

Needless to say, I won't be going sleeveless for a while.
Anyway, that's my story for the week.  I might be here tomorrow if the Packers game goes long and I need to bitch about my willing consumption of beer.

Cheers.

Well, that was easy.

As you may or may not have read yesterday, I was a bit frustrated with my current progress and the prospect of plateauing.  Well, I did what I said I was going to do, and within 24 hours, I've lost that three pounds again.  So my theory is that I'm probably retaining some form of weight due to either caffeine or sweetener.  I still haven't started that variety thing.

Regardless; fuck you, weight.

Next step, buy a goddamn accurate scale!

Cheers!

Getting to the bottom of the slow-down.

It's been a week of +/- a few pounds between 256 and 260 pounds. Though most weight loss is subject to its occasional plateaus and minor gains, it's very frustrating in the light of my previous weeks of success. With that said, I did a lot of snooping this afternoon and decided that it could be three factors.

1: Not enough variety. I might need to mix it up a bit.

2: Artificial sweetener. I drink a good deal of diet and sugar free drinks.

3: Caffeine. I drink a lot of caffeine in the form of coffee and diet coke.

So, it looks like I might just cut sweeteners and caffeine out for a while and try some variation in my diet. The main thing for me is that I don't mind eating the same things most of the time. I'm not a picky eater, so it's really easy for me to just buy products in bulk so I have a lot of food on hand. Having to buy a greater variety of food is more expensive and just not something I care about much. But, I've gotta do what I've gotta do.
Best case scenario I get back on track with dropping the weight and I can carefully introduce things back into my diet.

We shall see. Nooch.

Oh, and results.

After about nine or ten separate steps on the scale, it stayed on this weight for last four. I guess that makes it "official".

But still, fuck this scale.

The inevitable slow-down

I've finally reached that point in my weight loss where I'm creeping into the hard-won pounds. On the plus side, that means I'm getting closer to target weight. On the minus side, I want to break my scale. C'est la vie.

Another interesting thing I learned recently is that my scale is an asshole. I tend to weigh myself pretty regularly now just to get an idea of where my daily fluctuations are, but a few days ago, I immediately stepped on the scale a second time because I wasn't paying attention the first time. I took note of my weight and went about my day. Later that night, I re-weighed myself to see where I stood at the end of the day, and I was over 2lbs lighter! That was exciting at first, but I had to verify. I reset the scale and stepped on it once again. 2lbs came back. Apparently, my scale has this weird way of subtracting between one and two pounds upon the first step on it. This is a scale that is advertised as being extremely accurate. Fuck that scale.

So, I'm going to start doing my research and find a proper, accurate digital scale. Hell, I could have lost 90lbs for all I know at this point. Seriously, fuck that scale.

Holy shit! He lives!

Hey kids;
I know it's been a while since my last post, but I got tired of you and needed a break. Just kidding. I've just been really busy. Avoiding you.
So it's a few weeks in, and I have lost a decent amount of weight (probably 20 lbs or so, but who's counting? Oh right, I am.) I intentionally jumped off the wagon for our annual Fiestas De Santa Fe because you're an idiot if you don't eat fried food and drink beer at a festival of that magnitude. Even if you're pregnant and there's a fire. Seriously, you don't want to leave behind a charred, pregnant corpse without a funnel cake or Navajo Taco and a beer in your hands.

Since then, I've really cracked down on my diet; being extremely good about avoiding carbs, and packing in upwards of 2500-3000 calories a day. It has accelerated the last couple pounds of weight loss and I expect that this speed should be steady for the next 10 lbs or so. I'm cruising toward 250 (which would put me at an overall loss of 27 lbs and 24 since the beginning of this "experiment"). Remember: I'm no more active than I previously was.

This brings me to my next step. I think I've demonstrated good evidence that diet is at the crux of weight loss, but the one thing I can't avoid is the fact that I'll probably look kinda flabby as I thin out. I'm going to be starting a low-impact toning regimen (light weights, lots of reps) just to firm up a bit. I assure you, this will be minimal physical exertion so I don't want any of you piping up about how my working out is doing it and not my diet. We're already past that. And I'm smarter than you. So shush! Also, it's not going to take much, because I'm not that fat, dammit.

I just have big ass and stomach bones.

Blogging from my phone?!

That's right.  I'm on my phone.  I decided to figure out a way to work on the road without missing a periodic check-in.  As you may have noticed, I've been absent every other day this week and I may follow that protocol from here on out.  What can I say?  I'm too busy being awesome lately. 

As far as the saga of the beer gut, I've noticed the visible signs of my weight loss have slowed but this is to be expected.  The first ten are the easy ones (which technically I lost months ago), so it's going to be a longer haul from here on out.  Like Huey Lewis once said, it's hip to he square; and I'm built like a square.  The last part of that lyric was cut from the album version.  Saw him live in 89 and he did sing it.  And pointed at me.  I'll be checking in later today.

Skin suits that don't require serial killing tendencies.

Sorry about skipping the blog yesterday, this week is hectic already and it's only Tuesday. Fortunately I am a master of multitasking and managed to fit this in while I do some final touches on a document that will enable illegal immigrants to take money from rich white people. It's what us college liberal-types do.

Back to the blog. Things are going extremely well and I'm feeling damn good. I've been right on track and I can certainly feel results.
I find myself wondering, though: When I get down to target weight, am I going to look like David Beckham or will I look like a normal guy wearing a fat guy's skin as a suit? I'm not belly-over-the-belt fat, but fat enough to be concerned. Well, vain enough, at least.

Enough with that line of thinking. I'll think of something funny to say later.

Cheers!

Drum roll please...

Well well well... It has been a good week of both weight-related and life-related progress, and I'm glad to say the results are more than satisfactory in all areas.
Though this life-relat
ed progress in the form of home buying brings a level of stress, I've managed to make stress my bitch and keep my resolve. This "diet" is extremely easy to stick with (thank Odin I don't have a sweet tooth) so I really can't say it's been a rough road. But that's a good thing. I hate how fucking hard it is to restrain one's self and anything that doesn't require a large amount of work or major lifestyle change is perfect for me. With that said, let's talk results. As you can see in the above image, I started the week at 271.6 - a formidable weight for a linebacker or MMA fighter, but not so much for a lazy asshole like myself. Most of this weight was actually in the form of my ego, though. Of course my ego is in my stomach, so there is a tangible element to it.
So, with a week of mainly watching carbs and sugars and absolutely no adjustment to caloric intake other than making sure I hit 2000-2500 (ish - I don't count) despite the carbs, I've lost some decent weight.

Drum roll please....

So there you have it - 263.4 lbs, a total loss of 8.2 lbs. I couldn't have done it without you. No, I take that back, there have been a lot of naysayers. I could have definitely done it without you.
But back to the point. That's more than a pound a day. I'm telling you, science is a much better thing to base losing weight on than what "experts" who have five years experience as a clerk at GNC or 24-Hour Fitness say. Really. Biology, motherfucker.
My goal is to get around my brother's weight, which is probably another 30lbs from here, but my estimations have me there in probably four months. Weight loss usually slows as you get closer to normal weight. Whatever 'normal' is.

Lastly, before any of you start giving me lectures like "oh, you'd lose weight faster if you did ___", let it go. I'm losing weight without effort, and that's way better than busting my ass and eventually de-motivating myself and getting fat again. Also, I'll follow this up with an explanation as to why too much exercise causes weight gain.

Seeya in the funny papers!

I'm still awake so it's still legally Saturday.

Wow, today was a hell of a day. We spent the better part of our Saturday finalizing some details for the building of our new home. Mostly deciding if we want the bells and whistles. We skipped the whistles, for the record, but got the bells in the form of brushed nickel light fixtures and granite countertops. Booya. Tomorrow we actually cut the check for the lot itself and we'll be breaking ground in the coming weeks. I shall henceforth be referred to as a "wealthy landowner" until the manor is completed. And on that day, I will be known as Sir Dr. Gaylord Sexton Longfellow III, Esq DDS. It's a mouthful but it's fucking classy and with a house like this, class is what I aim for.

Oh yeah, my weight loss.

I'm really looking forward to weighing in tomorrow. I know I've been losing steadily and am stoked to blow your minds with my abilities to eat differently and drop some el-bee's. I've honestly got little more to say at this point because A) you're tired of it and B) I'm tired of it. Just kidding.

I'm sorry Miss Jackson;

Pascual H. Romero, Esq.

Oh yeah. The part where I talk about my progress

As of day five, I can say with certainty that I've lost a pretty nice little chunk of weight, but I'll save the real results for Sunday because I plan on doing official weigh-ins only once a week. I don't want to blow your freaking mind every single day. I'm taking in an average amount of calories and still being fairly liberal about my activity. Just enough to keep the blood flowing, not going for that target-heart-rate stuff that trainers always talk about. I'm doing exactly what I've always done. Long walks across parking lots and taking the stairs, with the occasional low-impact hike. I have to stress that I am not following any kind of activity regimen and some days I'm just a lazy asshole.

As many of my regular readers may have noticed by now, I've made some small mentions of carbohydrates. The science behind insulin, blood-sugar, and carbohydrates is nothing new. In fact, Dr. John Rollo made these findings in 1797 while treating diabetics. This became the standard and notably remains utilized to this day (with many advancements, of course). What occurred when the carbohydrates were removed from the diet is the lowering of insulin levels and entering a state of 'ketosis' - a state where compounds are produced by the breakdown of fatty acids.

Bear with me here, I'll try to keep this as understandable as humanly possible.

When the liver is not processing glucose (a sugar that all carbohydrates are converted to in the body), it sends the message to your body to start breaking down triglycerides (the things that fill up your fat cells and make them big and flabby). The liver and kidneys then take these fatty acids and process them. Ketone bodies are the byproduct of this and they're sent to the heart and brain to keep you alive. Now, if you operate under the consideration that the way your body breaks down fat cells efficiently is by using them to power the heart and brain, you may notice that what a lot of 'experts' say on the topic may be not only off-base, but flat-out wrong.
This doesn't meant that there isn't merit to exercise. There's been plenty of support for the idea that moderate, low impact exercise is good for the heart and lungs (as high impact workouts have shown to cause some long-term physical harm that would make it at least discouraged for the sake of your bones). But what I'm getting at here is that the calories in/calories out model is outdated and needs a lot of refinement before it's properly applied to the paradigm of weight loss.

Of course this long winded and wordy post is entirely up to debate, but I've got a lot of scientific study behind my set of rules whereas the average 'diet expert' hardly has the background in biochemistry and biology that led to these findings.

I promise the next one will be funny. Probably. Or not.

Bill, Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K

What is in the air today? Comments have turned hostile in a discussion over a status I posted regarding my run-in with the buff guy, aka Le Douche-e-Buffo™. For the most part, the central conversation is very civil and actually rather constructive, including a pretty good discussion about whether my response was as much an ad hominem attack as his (and yeah, it was, but that's because I have the power to turn ad hominem into fact).

The part that gets me is there's this weird offshoot in the comments that happened when a very old friend of mine mentioned a story about being unfriended (or is it defriended?) over a comment about a pair of shoes being 'ugly'. Oh no you di'int!

Essentially, another friend of mine attacked her for being 'hateful' because of that comment on the shoes. Then yet another friend came to the defense of my first friend. These three are all real-life friends of mine whose friendships I do value, so it certainly put me in what rocket scientists like to call a real shit-pickle. On one hand, I'm running with the idea that it's silly to take such offense at a comment about a pair of shoes being 'ugly'; on the other hand, as much as I feel the urge to rush to the defense of my first friend, I'd hate to do so by alienating my second friend who I've never really had any real disagreements with. And on the third hand, my friend is pretty tasteful, so they must have some ugly fucking shoes.

It kind of brings me to that idea of personal taste. Is it wrong for us to say what we think just because someone put a lot of time and effort into something? I'd like to think not. (Well, in the case of my blog it is totally wrong for you to criticize me but that's different.) But we're talking about aesthetic here. I mean, lots of people put an incredible amount of time and creative effort into Ke$ha's last album but it doesn't bar me from saying that it's literally an abomination put upon this earth as punishment for our shallow callousness. It doesn't bar me from saying that I don't even like pronouncing her name because a dollar sign isn't a letter. It doesn't bar me from saying that she's probably the most talentless hack I've ever seen in my life and I fear for the future of mankind if this is what we call entertainment. I am allowed to say this because it's what I think. And it's true. But mainly because it's what I think.

Where does that put us? Shoes can be ugly. Someone designed every pair of shoes on this planet, so that's automatically bringing someone's hard work into question (and the possibility of that 'someone' being a small Sri Lankan child - but I'm not sure they'd read my blog anyway since they don't get a lot of free time). In the end, it's important that people say what they think because if they don't, we just become a bunch of homogenized assholes who don't challenge viewpoints.

Unless it's about my blog. Shut up.

Muscle Dudes with Attitudes

So a friend of mine (by 'friend' I mean 'person on Facebook of negligible real-life context') decides to go on a rant this evening about how he hates "dykes" and essentially that he finds it ridiculous that a woman who "hates men" would want to look like one.
"But Pascual, what the hell does this have to do with your fat odyssey?" you're probably asking. Well the answer to that is, first, shut up; and second, he's the most swollen, thick-necked bodybuilder I've ever come to know. I mean this guy is competition-level buff (and I don't mean bodybuilding competition, I mean douchebag competition) - I've never known someone quite so built. This guy spends an average day on Facebook posting pictures of himself flexing in mirrors, updating his status about how much he "tore it up" in the gym, and bitching about fat and lazy people.
Now you may be thinking "Why did it take you this long to take offense at him?"
Well the fact is I can sort of understand hating on fat folks when you have that lifestyle. One cannot possibly punish themselves to that extent without a fair dose of flab-related anger. It's the same reason I don't feel inclined to hate prison inmates for tattooing their faces. Well, not really, but just nod and smile. My point is, inside every obsessive weightlifter is a child terrified of being picked on for being fat. If anything, I applaud the heavyset folks who just sucked it up and owned it as an adult instead of freaking out about it and becoming a freak on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Regardless, here's the transcript of our pleasant exchange (I omitted others' comments for the sake of not making you want to stab your eyes out):

(his status) - "What is it with Seattle and the fuckin dykes? Ok so youre a chick and you want a chick. But why the short hair and shit? So you hate men but want one that looks and acts like one?? Fuckin imbeciles"

(me) - "What is it with dudes who get all buff for no reason? Ok so you want to look all yoked to get chicks. But why the huge muscles and shit? So you hate girly men but you want a girl who looks and acts like one? Yada yada"

(him) - " Pascual, get fucked. If you dont agree with what i say, ignore it or dont comment. If i vant state my opinion here where can i? Faggot."

My response in the end was that I figured since he broadcast it on his Facebook status, he would have expected some kind of negative response. I mean that's a pretty strong thing to say to be surprised that someone disagreed. OK, I admit I could have been a bit more diplomatic. The thing is, when I see something like that, I can hardly expect that the person is capable of having a serious conversation about the ramifications of their comments. Sometimes I'm just inclined to pull out the big guns. No pun intended. Wait, pun very intended. Because I'm clever as shit. If I get you to call me "faggot", I win. Forever.

That's my story for tonight. No real moral to it other than "If you act like an asshole, Pascual will probably flip it on you".

My Body is a Machine That Turns Excellence Into Badass-ness

Today marks the first day of talks with various entities that would be potentially giving us money to buy our home and boy is it exciting! It's quite the process these days and with the housing and lender climate we live in today, they are freakishly thorough. I can't wait for this stuff to be over.
Turns out my years of playing rock star and Hollywood mover and shaker have done nothing but complicate what normal people call work history. People act like you're supposed to have one employer your entire life. I scoff at the idea, ol' chap!

Anyway, back to the adventures of the fat guy. Day 5 is upon us and I'm feeling excellent about my progress. I've definitely lost several pounds and I'm not feeling hungry. I've got a lot of energy, though, which is really impeding my ability to be a lazy fucker. I guess that's the price one pays when one's intake of excellence is out of balance with the output of badass-ness. I'll get the balance right soon. Oh, and badass-ness is a word. Fuck you spellchecker.

Well, I'm going to get back to my amazing job of giving rich people's money to illegal immigrants and welfare cheats. Talk at ya soon, kiddos!

Good night, kids

Enjoy one of my favorite songs ever, as sung by one of my favorite fat dudes ever. If you don't like this, you're a commie drug addict and I want nothing to do with you.

There are no Speed Bumps on the Road to Mediocrity

So I gave it some thought, and realized the only time you're likely to see a path with no limitations. It's the path to a middle-of-the-road, low-expectation goal. Now, bear with me here, this is going to get messy.

Don't expect much.

I don't mean "don't try", I just mean, "don't expect much". I've learned the secret to my relative "success" in life came from beginning every undertaking with no real expectations. I've always tried to appreciate the journey more than the destination. This blog is a great example of that so far, as I always just start typing with no real goal in mind. If you end up being entertained, perfect. That's awesome. If not, you obviously have no taste and should go read Bill O'Reilly's blog and eat some powdered milk.

Back to the topic of no expectations. It's like just slapping the paintbrush to canvas and seeing what masterpiece transpires. I think my life has been a series of unplanned and unexpected occurrences so far and it's been pretty incredible. This mentality lends well to my "weight loss". I'm not really looking for a goal weight, just losing it as best I know how.

Enjoy the ride people, because the destination is a box in six feet of dirt.

There are no Speed Limits on the Road to Excellence

I was just perusing my Facebook feed when I noticed the status "There are no speed limits on the road to excellence". Am I the only person who finds motivational BS like this exceedingly annoying? I mean, fine, they're insinuating that in the pursuit of great things, there are no limits. But that's still annoying bullshit because everything in life has limits. I always wonder if those ripped-ab swollen-pec assholes in the Bowflex commercials are to blame for people giving up on the pursuit of physical improvement. You look at people like that and think to yourself "if I work hard enough, I'll look like that". Sorry kids, but there's this thing called genetics and just about every chance you have of looking a certain way is dependent on those pesky little genes. Sure, most people can be "average" looking in body type if they work hard enough, but there are a very select mesomorphic few that have the genes to build these ridiculous piles of meat on their frames.
Seriously, look at a picture of a marathon. Sure, a lot of them are really lean, but if you look very closely, there are quite a few average-looking folks in there. They still run six billion miles a week like everyone else there, yet they never turn into these string-bean runners you picture in your head when you think of olympic hurdle jumpers. The fact is that not everyone's going to be built like that, no matter what.

Anyway, back to my whiskey. End of rant.

Day four on day four.

In the interest of not falling behind, I figured I could share some thoughts about today on the DAY IT HAPPENED! I know, your mind is blown.

Anyhoo, I just got back from a late lunch where we bitched about the politics of the college I work at (yeah, I'm so smart I get PAID to go to college motherfucker). I had a salad. Not because salad is my secret weapon, but because burritos were the other option, which would be detrimental to my progress. This does not mean that burritos are not the world's greatest food, as I've argued many times, it just means that my body is currently comprised of burritos and I'm working on changing that. This ain't a spare tire and love handles, this is a fleshy sack of burritos just waiting to be consumed by my body.

Next topic.

I've been reading/watching a lot of material on weight loss just to see what people are saying and weighing it against what actual scientists have established through study and testing. Actual scientists, as opposed to dieticians and 'fitness experts' spend a lot of time in school and generally work toward understanding the problem itself rather than finding quick fixes for it. I've been seeing some very clear conflicts in information between the 'experts' and the experts with degrees and experience and it troubles me. I'm apt to start haranguing on this topic as soon as I've got the time and motivation to do so.

What I will do right now is offer that my first bit of advice to anyone who's interested in approaching any kind of diet and exercise regimen is that they should be exceedingly skeptical of anything that costs money, short of any credible scientific literature on adiposity and obesity.
I hypothesize that these "diet gurus" like people to stay fat so they can sell books. The common thread with the most popular fad diets is that they tend to have some very quick short-term results (i.e. juice diets), but over the long haul you will either not keep it off, or your progress will stall out. The "stall out" approach is best because they can just say "oh, well you just need to buy my next video/book/diet plan to continue seeing results".

Again, this is just my hypothesis, so feel free to try and find information to the contrary. Though you won't, because I'm right 100 percent of the time at least 60 percent of the time.

You're welcome, world.

Day three on day four.

Well, yesterday we started the process of buying and building a custom house. It's really freaking nice. I know this is fairly unrelated to being a fat guy, but I thought I'd say something anyway. Plus, it has stairs so I take that back. It has everything to do with being a fat guy.
I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night. Probably because of the pending home purchase and the fact that I had to get up early today. What is it with you people and normal jobs? Doesn't anyone appreciate morning rest anymore? Can't your computer problems wait? Jeez. It's like the world doesn't even revolve around me anymore.
No, you're right. That's ridiculous. It would defy physics for earth not to revolve around my ego.

So I'm here at my desk today, listening to Motown hits on my Spotify. It's one of the few things I can jam with some volume in the office and people don't look at me like I'm possessed. You'd think at a college, there'd be at least a few people who could get down to some Cannibal Corpse in the office. Oh, right. Metalheads don't go to college.

Oh yeah, about losing weight. I estimate I'm going down about 1-2 lbs a day, which sounds crazy, but I'm not starving myself or doing anything unusually physical, so suck it Trebek. I also know when it's gone beyond water weight because I'm about 35 lbs lighter than my peak weight, so I've been through this before. I will never speak of my peak weight again. The fat weight drops at a rate of 1-2lbs per day in the initial phase, whereas the water weight is like 3-4lbs a day. I'm an observant sonovabitch.

So that's about it for now. I've gotta get back to pissing off republicans and Christians.

End of day 2. Sort of.

I'm at my desk at work right now and I feel like wrapping up the daily bloggings before I head home.
I'm feeling pretty good today. I mean, why wouldn't I? I'm fucking amazing. But I digress. The progress is there, at least in the sense of me managing not to stuff 26 cupcakes into my speak-hole. But seriously, I don't really eat like that.
Maybe that's the problem with all this weight loss crap. I never did eat that poorly, save for some regular beer-guzzling, and even then it wasn't an everyday thing (though, not to say I wouldn't make a fucking incredible alcoholic, You know, the kind of dude where the party just kind of happens around him). But I digress again. This blog is about a fat guy trying to be less fat without being less lazy.

I read this book a while back called "Why We Get Fat" by Gary Taubes. It's kind of a more-palatable interpretation of his book "Good Calories Bad Calories", which is just a science-heavy book about adiposity. Yes, that word again. Adiposity. It means "of or pertaining to fat", and adipose is the kind of cell that fat cells are.
The cool thing about these books is they're not diet books, which is a fucking relief because I'd rather walk barefoot on Legos all day than read a goddamned diet book. You know what I'm talking about. Taubes basically explains how fat works and what it does in your body in a way the layman can understand. Now, there will be people who disagree with what is laid out in the book, but you'd be hard pressed to find scientists who study this shit among those people. It's not controversial that fat cells grow from the presence of triglycerides, and the assembly and disassembly of triglycerides in the fat cells are dependent on insulin. When insulin levels are spiked, the body stores those fuckers in the fat cells and they have a real hard time breaking them down again until something called ketosis happens. Well, that's kind of jumping ahead, but it makes me sound smart as fuck when I say stuff like that.

Anyway, there's part of my 'secret'. Bam.

Mission Statement

I was sitting here, enjoying my procrastination in getting to the office when it dawned on me that this whole experience needs the form of a mission. Or experiment. Or whatever. Shut up.

My goal is to lose weight effectively. "Wow! How revolutionary!" you are no doubt thinking by now, and I don't blame you. I'm a fucking genius. But here's the catch. I'm not going to be any more active than I already am. That's right. I'm not doing any more movement than is already part of my fairly lazy existence. (To be fair, I like to hike, but I only will be doing it 1-2 times a week)

I'm going to eat myself thin. It will work. The science of adiposity shows that exercise isn't a component in the regulation of fat. You're thinking "WHAT?!", and you're right to think that. But that's because you don't like science, and that makes me sad. But it is true. Read a book about it. Actually, don't. I just told you, and if you can't trust me, I don't see the point of continuing this charade. Fact is, fat is regulated by insulin. Insulin is regulated by DIET.

Annnyhoo, I know I said I wasn't going to show the details of my diet. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's because there really is no diet. It's just staying away from things that raise insulin. You can put 2 and 2 together and figure out what that means, smart guy(girl). And no, it's not Atkins.

Also, I don't want to talk about how I'm doing it because I'm not going to promote my lifestyle. Being active probably has benefits, but modern medicine is so goddamn split about what is good for what that I'd rather just be as active as necessary to not die of a blood clot.

I know, I know. You're rolling your eyes at me. I can FEEL it. But you just keep that shit to yourself and be mindblown when I walk in looking all strapping and swarthy.

Thanks for reading this far. I think the circle of trust is growing stronger.

Day two: Electric Boogaloo

I'm up at 8 this morning, getting ready to help my grandmother put some things in her car for her trip back to Wisconsin. I honestly hate being up before 10am. Before you call me lazy, keep in mind that I do 99 percent of my work late in the day so there's no reason for me to get up with the sun. And yeah, I'm kind of lazy.
Regardless, I haven't given this chronicle a ton of thought yet, but I did come to the conclusion that blogging about my daily regimen and diet would be tremendously boring and repetitive so I'm not going to do it. Which leaves us with... pleh...
But really, I'll just give you my thoughts. First, nobody has ever used that "Electric Boogaloo" reference in a blog before. Second, shut up. Third, I'm near positive I've already lost several pounds in the last couple days because my almost-too-tight shirts are starting to yield to my gut finally. Nothing like some water weight to keep us motivated, no?
I'm one of those fat guys who everyone tells "you wear it well!", which really does me no service. I just don't have a lot of motivation to thin out. I'm fairly comfortable in my own skin (as long as my shirt is on) so shame doesn't really motivate me. I can get out and be active without absolutely dying so even my own fitness level deceives me at times because I never reach my limit and think to myself "wow, I'm out of shape".
The fact is, I am a pretty big guy overall. My wrists are as big around as my wife's ankles and my neck is like a tree trunk. Maybe that's why I "wear it well". Sheer proportion.
This brings me to a quick little gripe about BMI. I'm "morbidly obese" according to that standard, which, if you look at me, you'd never believe. I mean, I'm a chubster, but 'obese' hardly fits the bill. I can see my feet and my nethers. I have no trouble bending over to tie my shoes. I can comfortably sit in most any seat. And before you get at me about just deluding myself because I'm ashamed of my weight, bear in mind my incredibly in-shape brother, who is approximately my height and build (under the fat) is considered 'obese' at his 6-foot height and 225-pound weight. He's not football-player built either. He's just a six foot tall guy with a heavy frame and fairly solid musculature.
BMI was invented in the early half of the 1800s by a Belgian mathematician. I don't really see why it needs further explanation as to why BMI is a load of BS. Weight in general is a poor measurement of health, as it does not take into account muscle weight, bone weight, or in my case, brain weight.
But seriously, nineteenth-century Belgians are hardly the authority on weight.

So with that, I bid you adieu for the time being. Grandma called and said she managed to get her stuff into the car on her own, so I'm going back to bed.

Day one (extended cut)

Just to add to the post, I'd like to say that day 1 has gone swimmingly as I head to bed. I will be posting some of the 'diet tricks' later in the experiment, but I don't feel right doing so at this point as I need to keep things very results-based for now. Bear with me folks! We'll see how it goes!

Day one

Hi there. My name is Pascual and I'm a fat guy. I wouldn't say I'm morbidly obese; in fact, I'd like to think I'm fairly attractive, if mostly in the face. At least my insanely pretty wife thinks so.
The reason I'm here is because I've spent a good part of my adult life as an overweight male and have taken a few trips into the world of weight loss, with varied results.
The first time I took it seriously, I was 27 years old and probably about 290 lbs. I say "probably" because I never really weighed myself. Regardless, I had about a 42-44 inch waist size and I hated having my picture taken. I was working in TV, and anyone who's familiar with production will know that it's very easy to gain weight with the deadly combination of craft services and catering that are constantly at your fingertips. That, coupled with the fact that my job was usually at a desk in the production office, and you've got the best recipe for weight gain. At least, according to "experts", that's what it takes.
Anyway, to cut to the chase, I read a couple books by a fellow named Gary Taubes and decided to apply some of his logic to my diet. KEEP IN MIND, his books are not diet books. They're science books about adiposity. The thing is, I was at a point in my life where I'd try anything just to see how well it worked.
Well, in the month approaching my wedding, I applied the principles laid forth in these books and they worked to the tune of 16 lbs. This is all fine and dandy except I slipped afterward. So here I am, at 271 lbs, ready to make it work.
This blog is chronicling my journey from here on out. My goal is to lose the flab, but who knows what's going to happen. The point is that I'm going to blog every day and Vlog every week. Day 1 underway...